Great Wolf Lodge Vacation

Rising high above the trees are massive log dormers that resemble those of Yellowstone’s Old Faithful Inn. As you drive up the winding roadway and round the last curve, the Great Wolf Lodge looms before you like a giant grizzly. Its beauty is breathtaking. Modeled after the wilderness lodges of the great northwest, the stone façade and the wolves carved into the totem poles will transport you to the majestic forests of the American west. Where are we: Wyoming, Oregon, Montana, or Washington? No. We are only a few hours from home in the Pocono Mountains of Pennsylvania.
Every year when the kids get out of school for the summer, Granny and Grampy take them on a vacation. Several years ago, I decided to take them to Niagara Falls, Canada. That’s where we first stumbled upon the Great Wolf Lodge. Grampy liked it just because it reminded him of the great outdoors. Entering the lobby is just like walking into an enchanted forest, but the best part was yet to come. Our grandkids were thrilled to learn that the Great Wolf Lodge has an indoor waterpark – and a fabulous one at that. In fact, they were so bored with Niagara Falls itself that the oldest one said, “I’m sick of standing here getting wet by this stupid falls. Let’s go to the waterpark.” And so for the past four years, vacations have been at a Great Wolf Lodge – there are about a dozen of them throughout the US, so we have plenty more of them to visit. But our favorite one is just a short jaunt across Interstate 80 to the Poconos.
Grampy Walzie is not a big fan of water. Every time he sees a body of water he has flashbacks of trudging through neck-deep mucky rivers, holding his M-16 high above his head, and being weighted down by an eighty pound backpack. But for the sake of the grandkids, he reluctantly put Vietnam aside and wriggled into a pair of flowered swimming trunks. He nervously put his toes into the toddlers’ pool and I saw a grin spread across his face. Holy cow … he actually liked it! Well, who wouldn’t? It’s a balmy 84 degrees inside and the water is soothingly tepid. So Grampy happily played with the two little guys, while Rhett and old Granny here hit the tunnels and the waterslides and the water coaster.
“Hey, Grampy,” Rhett shouted from the top of Big Bear Landing. “Come ride the “toilet bowl” with me!”
“No, I’ll stay here in the toddler’s pool,” Walzie told him.
“I double-dog dare you!”
Well, nobody can resist a double-dog dare. We switched places; I rested in the shallow pool while poor Grampy slowly climbed the four flights of stairs to the top landing of the huge waterslides. I know his heart was pounding and his knees were barking. Maybe it was the climb or maybe the fact that he’d never in his whole life ever done anything like this. I’m willing to bet it was both. He was probably wishing to be back in ‘Nam!
The tiny blonde attendant in the red t-shirt and striped bikini bottom blew her whistle and motioned for Grampy and Rhett to sit on the double tube. Walzie awkwardly squeezed his big behind into the back hole of the tube; the front lifted a foot off the platform. Rhett giggled as he straddled the front hole. Now picture this: a 250 pound grandpa doing a wheelie on an inner tube with a sixty pound twelve-year-old perched on the front. The attendant gave them a shove and they snaked through the tubes at full tilt. When they hit the “toilet bowl” at the end, Rhett was howling from his perch and Grampy squeezed his eyes shut tight as his behind dragged around and around the bowl, and then they got flushed out into the lazy river. I saw Walzie breathe a sigh of relief. The meandering current floated them easily around the three foot deep river; suddenly, Grampy found himself caught under the dumping buckets and gallons of water drenched him. As he tried to exit the lazy river, his behind stuck in the tube, it flipped and Grampy sunk like a stone. He surfaced sputtering like a cat that fell into the crapper. Enough! Grampy stumbled back to the toddlers’ pool.
After four days of splishing and splashing, we were water logged – all except five-year-old Korry.
“I needs to take a bath,” he whined.
“Kiddo,” I said. “You’ve been in water for four whole days. The car is packed. We’re going home today.”
“No, no, no! I’m going to live here forever,” he shouted as he ran for the bathroom and slammed the door. I heard the bath water running.
“Let’s go, Korry,” we coaxed in unison. “Get your little behind out of that bathtub. It’s time to go.”
For twenty minutes we coaxed and Korry adamantly insisted that he was going to live there forever. I guess he figured that as long as he was naked and in the bath, nobody could force him to go home.
Finally, the light bulb above Grampy’s head snapped on. “I’ll get him out of there. Watch this.”
“Uh oh! I have to do number two. I’m coming in, Korry,” Grampy urgently shouted. He dropped his drawers as he entered the bathroom and backed up to the bathtub instead of the throne.
Korry was giggling and shouting, “No, no, don’t poop on me!”
Suddenly, Grampy’s foot slipped, he lost his balance, and he tumbled backwards into the bathtub. Korry shot out of there like a missile. With his pants around his ankles, Walzie was stuck sideways in the tub and laughing so hard that he couldn’t budge himself free.
“Granny,” shouted the other two boys. “Get the camera!”
But I was laughing so hard that I forgot how to master the camera phone. I probably should have handed it to eight-year-old, Mason. Kids know about such technology. I need to study “Cell Phones for Dummies”.
“Camera?” shouted Grampy. “%@$$, just get me out of here!”
Well, it took all four of us (including the little guy) to wiggle him free and get him to his feet. His behind was already turning black and blue.
And so, after unpacking and re-packing the van to get Grampy some dry clothes, we finally were on our way home. For three hours we listened to the kids teasing and giggling about Grampy’s little mishap, and I listened to Grampy moan about his aches and pains.
As for Grampy, he can hardly wait ‘til next year’s venture to the Great Wolf Lodge. Only this time I’ll betcha’ my right arm that he goes armed with a bottle of pain meds!