Double Trouble

Bob was nearly frozen. It was still dark on this January morning in 1949 and even the thermometer’s mercury was frozen way below zero. He lit a cigarette and tried to inhale, but the bitter air stung his throat; even his nostril hairs were iced. Why the heck was he lying in a snow bank outside his twin brother’s house at four in the morning? What could be so critical and secretive that he‘d be willing to risk freezing off his talleywacker? Well … that’s what got him into trouble in the first place so he may as well just let that sucker freeze off. He was certain that at this point in time, that would make the wife very happy. Oh yeah, she was angry … very, very angry. He and his brother had to get their stories straight; after all, the newspaper didn’t fully explain. Explain what? Read on, you’ll understand.
Both men were good men, but still baaaad little boys. Somewhere deep within (probably below their waists) grew a few wild seeds that still begged to be sewn and they knew just where to plant the seeds – on an unnamed avenue in Altoona. Nobody would ever know … or would they?
“Hey, Bobby,” said his twin. “How would you like to go have some fun Friday night?”
“What do you have in mind, Abby?”
“Sammy told me about this house in Altoona where we can … well you know … sow a few oats. Whaddya think?”
“Sure, why not. Let’s get Sammy and check it out.”
So on that cold January night, Bob, Ab, and Sammy motored to Altoona in Bob’s 1938 Dodge coupe. These men were all well versed in romancing the ladies, but to pay a lady, now that was a different thing, not to mention being illegal as all get out. All three were very nervous.
The red light on the porch reflected off of their anxious faces as they knocked on the door. They were greeted by a huge woman who looked like Mike Tyson in drag.
“Yo, boys, you done come to de right place. Dat will be $8 each, please. Now, got to da top o’de stairs,” Miz Tyson told them. “Da ladies will take it from there.”
Awkwardly, they climbed each step. Their hearts thumped. Was it anticipation or fright? Had they known what was to happen … fright would have won! No sooner had each man closed the door with his lady, they heard the whistles. It felt as if the entire house had exploded! Shouting, stumbling, doors slamming, loud shrill whistles blowing … oh no … the Cops!
How cold do you think a holding cell is in January? Especially cold when they figured out that among the three of them they only had enough money left to bail one out. Sammy had a mother with money to burn so Sammy was the chosen one. His job was to go borrow enough money from his mother to bail out the twins. The two left behind could only pray for Sammy’s speedy return. Sammy held the future (and Bob’s car keys) in his hands.
The hands on the clock ticked past: one hour … no Sammy; two hours … no Sammy. Oh why did they depend on that rotten little snake of a Sammy? After all, it was that little snake that conned them into this fiasco. Three hours … Sammy’s here! That little Sammy was the best friend a fellow could have. Not to mention his very understanding mother with money to loan! Finally, they were all freed with bail paid and a long lecture from Altoona’s police chief; homeward bound and nobody would be the wiser.
Oh yeah? That following Monday, as Bob and his wife sat at the breakfast table each reading his and her section of the newspaper, she suddenly dropped the paper.
“Your name is in here … what the heck?” she frowned. “You were in a what? You rotten, little lying … “
“Now, now, honey,” Bob tried to soothe. “It wasn’t like that at all.”
“Oh, really? You’ve got some explaining to do, mister. In fact, I think when you get home from work tonight, we’re going to go ask your brother just what happened. He’ll set this story straight.”
And that brings us back to the snow bank on that icy January morning. One twin could tell a lie and the other would swear that it was the truth; all they had to do was coordinate their stories. Finally, through his misted breath, Bob saw Ab leaving for work. He leaped from the snow bank with his arms waving.
“Abby, we’re in trouble. Our names are in print. What can we do?”
“It was just a poker game that got raided,” Ab suggested. “Sound good?”
“Sounds good to me.”
Although, it’s been many, many years since they went to “play poker” in Altoona, I’d be willing to bet that one twin could tell a story and the other would cooperate it. Yep, they’ve been a team for nearly 84 years and when it comes time to stand before the Pearly Gates … well, I sure hope that God blesses them. After all, aren’t we taught forgiveness?